Young Writers Society

I really like it, although there were some spelling errors. But other than that, It think that overall your story was very good, and it kept me hooked.

Good luck, and keep up the great work

It's well written and I enjoyed the narration. Very precise, teenage jargon and we all understand the situation.

However, the plot, though it's my all time favourite for school romance—Falling for your Best friend and not knowing what to do, is quite cliche. But it's a nice way you've put it.

The class composition is a bit too typical, wouldn't you agree. I know that's what it is in reality but you could have focused something more thean the typical Nerd, the Queen, the Good Girl. But hey it's your story and I found it engaging.

The narration is what kept me hooked on...really simplistic yet has a charm.

Thats a nice story much like reality to me because believe me I have been seeing something similar in school.Perhapoa I know the ending,hehe,just kidding.Hey its your story and I will be waiting for the next part.Eager to read it.I guess all the tiny errors are pointed out already so I would not repeat it.

Good luck with the next part.

It's an awesome story, but as the others have said, it needs a bit of work. It is very cliche, if you could add a bit of a twist, it would really hook me on the story, because, from here, I can guess way too much. There were a few grammar issues, but I think those have been covered.


By the way, you are absolutely allowed to begin with dialogue, some people just don't like to, but it is perfectly okay. The first sentence was a bit shaky. You say that the teacher is droning on, maybe a bit of a description of how boring the teacher is, because it seems to go a little fast.

My most enforced suggestion would be to change the title, very, very cliche, it really turns a lot of people on YWS away from it. I liked the line 'my kind of perfect', I think it would make a good title too, or maybe take something from later in your story and use it as a title.

And, if it helps, a twist is not having either of the MCs' parents being divorced, or one of their parents had walked out and is coming back, or having one of their parents pass away. These are fine plots, but I have seen waaay too many love stories in which two best friends become closer and are either stopped or encouraged by a problem like these in the family. But, this is just my opinion, wherever your story goes, I'm sure it will be great!

The commas were a little bit much. The story line isn't exactly original but I liked how you put it in a guy's point of view instead of a girl's. ''And neither was everyone." should be "Neither was everyone else." According to one of the few times I paid attention in any of my English classes, you should NEVER start a sentence with 'and'. Using 'everyone' followed by a period just kind of seems like you left off a word. Elaborate on the teacher. I don't really see the point of Mrs.Abbot being called to the principal's office; wouldn't a guy think those thoughts in the middle of class too? Otherwise, I liked the story.

Good start, but to be honest, it didn't really draw me in. But of course, there is always room for improvement - what would the world be without trial and error?

There is one thing I would point out:

And neither was everyone

Okay, well hello first off and welcome to the site!(:

Alright, first off, before I get into any details Imma get straight to the point:
Your story needs work.
It has a lot of potential and it has it's cute "Boy secretely loves girl best friend who wont even bother to think of him in that way" cliche to it. But it seriously needs work.
So here are some pointers and corrections!

One.
For your title Best Friends and Nothing More?, if there is going to be more than
one part, it's usually best to put "Part _" or "Chapter _" at the end to give the reader the idea that there is going to be more to come and not just a short story.

Two.
When you introduced it with:
“So, x is equal to?” our Math teacher, Ms. Abott droned on.

I, as usual wasn’t paying any attention. And neither was everyone.

Ms. Abott was still scribbling only God knows what when I heard our principal’s croaky voice.

“Ms. Abott?” Ms. Payton called out.

“Class, behave.” she automatically told us as she proceeded out of the classroom. Must be something major then, since Ms. Payton herself went up here. Normally, she just sends the relief teacher, or should I say her secretary to do the work for her.

When the cat is out, the mice come out to play.


It confused me. If you're going to start out with a quote, make sure that you give it a lot of detail. When starting out with a quote, you make sure that quote relates to the story and is important. Other wise, drop it.

For example, my story. I started out with the principal saying:
"...And to all those juniors and seniors out there, please be safe this 'break! And responsible. Having a license doesn't make you any older..." I soon lost interest in listening to my school principal babble on about this Spring Break.

And my story is about four students going on a trip for Spring Break. See what I mean? make it important.


Also, reword it. You did okay, but something like this would sound much better:

My math teacher continued to write equations on the boared and ask us to solve them,
even though no one was paying any attention, including myself. I continued to slouch in my chair that was hidden in the back with my friends when my Principal's croaky voice came into the picture.
"May I see you in the hall, please?" She asked my teacher. My teacher looked at us and told us to behave as she proceeded into the hallway.

Another thing, that italicized phrase that you placed in wasn't needed. It didn't really make sense to me.

Three.
If you must know, I am seated at the back next to my buds – namely George to my right and John in front of him – George started to open up the conversation with last night’s game. I’ve already discussed this with my father this morning. Trust me, it didn’t go well. So, I’m not really in the mood right now to talk about it again. I just listened. Soon enough, as expected, they were both buried deep in their conversation to even realize that I wasn’t paying attention anymore. I shifted in my seat, seizing the moment to examine the noisy classroom, mainly focusing my attention on girls. I started from front to back.


Take out the 'If you must know' thing. It sounds like a play or something, and not a story.
Start off with something like

I was placed in the back next to my friend, George and diagnal from other friend John.
John turned around and started up a conversation about last night's (football, lacrosse, etc) game. George immediatly went into the conversation. I just stayed quite, I was in no mood to talk about that game. My father had already gotten to it. I shifted quietly in my seat, taking the chance to look around the noisy classroom. I started to examine all the girls in the class:

See?

Four.
First, there’s Julie, our class president, standing near the teacher’s table, trying to keep the class shushed. After a few moments, seeing she was up to no good, she gave up, returned to her seat and began to share some gossip with her friends. I snorted. So much for a class president. I don’t blame her though, our class is just plain unruly.

I got what you meant hear probably the third time I re-read it. Consider rephrasing it?

Five.
Up until 2 days ago anyway, when George asked me if Vee and I were going out although he very well knows that we are just bestfriends. And we plan to keep it that way. You can’t blame me, dude, I have a right to doubt. Those were his exact words. Well, yeah, this is true of course. But among all the things to doubt, why me and Vee? But no matter how utterly ridiculous his question was, it got me thinking if there’s really a possibility of me and Vee together in that romantic – I shrugged at the word – sort of way.

First, you spell out 'two'. Or any number for that matter.
Put 'You can't blame me, due. I have a right to doubt' in italics and quote marks.
Put George's exact words instead of 'his'.

Six.
I have to wrap this up because I have dinner on the stove, but:
Before I finally stepped out of the room, I twisted my head around to look at her seat. It was already empty.

I sighed. It’s my first time to do it and I seriously don’t know why I did it.

Instead of ending it like this, maybe do something that makes the reader want to go
searching around for the next chapter; anxious for more. Maybe something like:
Before stepping out into the crowded hallway, I stopped and turned on my heal. I decided to walk up to Vee and (ask her out, tell her, or something), but she was already gone.

I sighed. That was most likely the only time I'd ever concider doing that, and she's not there.

I stepped into the hallway when I heard Vee calling my name.




See? Now, you don't have to change story plans and use that, but just twist it a little, you know?



Well, All in all it was okay. Like I said, it needs work. But that's what we're here for!(:
You have a lot of puncuation mistakes and a little bit of grammar errors, but nothing that can't be picked up in a spell check.

I'll sure be back to check out the next part. Peace!

“So, x is equal to?” our Math teacher, Ms. Abott droned on.

“Ms. Abott?” Ms. Payton called out.

“Class, behave.” she automatically told us as she proceeded out of the classroom. Must be something major then, since Ms. Payton herself went up here. Normally, she just sends the relief teacher, or should I say her secretary to do the work for her.

When the cat is out, the mice come out to play.

Next.

Second girl I came upon was Rachel. Seems like she’s struggling to write something on her palm. She very well does know that it isn’t allowed, having been put in detention loads of times. But it just goes to show that she didn’t get anything out of them. I doubt if she even understands anything besides make-up. Such a waste of looks.

Next.

Then there’s Tanya. Blonde hair, hot figure, pretty face, grades are okay. She’s obviously the hottest girl in school. A goddess to the guys and a queen to the girls…the reason why she gets everything her way. A lot of guys tried hooking up with her but she always turns them down. To sum it all up, she’s the perfect girl in everyone’s eyes. Well, everyone except me. Much too perfect, for me. Seriously not my type. Surpised?

Moving on…

Her name’s Veronica. Smart, shy, and sweet. There you have it, my bestfriend since 2nd grade.

Up until 2 days ago anyway, when George asked me if Vee and I were going out although he very well knows that we are just bestfriends. And we plan to keep it that way. You can’t blame me, dude, I have a right to doubt. Those were his exact words. Well, yeah, this is true of course. But among all the things to doubt, why me and Vee? But no matter how utterly ridiculous his question was, it got me thinking if there’s really a possibility of me and Vee together in that romantic – I shrugged at the word – sort of way.

I placed my hands at the back of my head, sort of like a support – still blocking her from my view – and sought the blackboard, which was now filled with graphs, a bunch of X's and Y's. I tried to make out what they meant, hoping to get some kind of distraction again. But even though nothing made sense, and I couldn’t see any of her right now, my thoughts still drifted back to her, since she’s going to help me understand this later.

Who am I kidding? She’s my kind of perfect.

Before I finally stepped out of the room, I twisted my head around to look at her seat. It was already empty.

I sighed. It’s my first time to do it and I seriously don’t know why I did it.

Hey.

I'm short of time, but since no one has reviewed this yet I thought I'd tell you what I think, in general (such as my opinion is).

You need a better hook. Something original and, of course, attention grabbing. A treacher droning on and on is nothing new. It really turns me away from the story and makes me reluctant to read it, considering that I hate even being in school. I read to escape it. It's fine if something interesting is happening in the classroom, but as it is now, your MC is just looking around. You have far too much telling rather than showing.

I would suggest dialogue to make it more interesting. Perhaps an entirely different setting. Begin with him talking to Vee? Just a thought.

Hope this helps. Good luck with editing.